My Buddhist monk brother, Reverend Hugh, spent a number of years up in the forests of northern California at a place called the Hermitage. It was affiliated with the Abbey where he became a monk. He is visiting right now from England and brought some items for the Free Bench, including the Tibetan prayer flags - which used to hang at the Hermitage. I decided they should festoon the Free Bench itself. I like the color they have added. I like that they are connected to his time at the Hermitage. I like the idea of them sending out prayers each time they are caught by the air and set to waving. It makes me want to give more thought to the prayers so I'll know what prayers we're sending out into the world.
A couple years ago, I got some prayer flags to give to our whole family for the Winter Solstice. They were bright, beautiful flags with images of dancing children from around the world on each panel. Someone else liked the flags, too. On two different occasions, they came up our front steps and cut away the panels they liked the most. Five of the eight in total. They brought scissors with them, intending to bring the dancing children they coveted back to their space.
I have wanted things that much in my day, have even taken some of them when I was much younger. It is a complicated sort of wanting, and it is never really satisfied.
Having those five panels taken was a bit demoralizing. Not just for the obvious reasons, but also because it somehow underscored the fact that no one else in my family had been particularly captivated by the prayer flags. Reflecting on that now, it indicates the way that I can want something, but only allow myself to see it if I believe it's "for the family." It is still difficult for me to recognize the things that I want just for myself, and to have it be enough that I want it, even when others might not. To get more clear on my wants would be cleaner than convincing myself that others will like this, too(even when there's been no indication they will), and then feeling disappointed when they don't especially. And then I spare them and myself - my disappointment as well.
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